| fifty-eight |
[04 May 2008|02:52am] |
We were under the covers, bare bodies lying next to each other. He was holding me in and I was thinking too much. It was just like it had always been. Repeating the same movements, having the same feelings. And then he said, “I want to, but I know we can’t.” And it hit me like ice. I felt cold. I stopped moving, stopped responding to his touch, and I turned away. I told him I wanted to leave, but before I left I told him the truth. I said, “I still get nervous when I see you, and this, what we are doing here, it’s not helping me, I can’t move on or let go, I’m stuck in this because I care, but that can’t be enough, it never was or will be, enough, complete, right, so take me home.” And he did just that. Dropping me off at the train station, so I could head back alone to my apartment. I should have felt sad, I should have felt disappointed, but I didn’t feel anything. I could not even cry, fuck, I have not cried in so long. I see myself becoming numb to everything. Accepting the low moments as a daily occurrence.
I kept repeating the line I heard in the play, “Life is a puzzle that you only solve when you die.” Over and over and over and over I said it, thought about it, wanted to understand if there was any truth behind it. They one good thing about college may also be the worst thing. They teach you how to think, provide you with material to question what it is that really defines us. I can’t sleep at night, because I think too much. I never sleep at night anymore.
I know I am growing up, and another year is passing by. “These are the years we will cherish, the years we will grow and define ourselves” I am afraid I am wasting the good years. Focused on understanding the encrypted message, but when will we find the answer? Wouldn’t that be grand, if there really was nothing, and we are all striving for emptiness. I feel so completely empty, maybe through our emptiness we can define ourselves as complete.
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(True Friends Stab You In The Front)
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| recap of last 48 hours |
[19 Aug 2007|03:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fly pan am |
] |
free jazz concert at national art museum gardens
twenty-five dollar boots
rock and roll hotel for unwed sailor
piss smelling ally, roof jumping, dumpster breaking moments
sweaters for fall like weather
taking care of the sick and tired
decided to drink coffee instead of sleeping
leaving at 6am to drive the sick and tired to purple door on time
car traffic directors
double pb&j sandwiches
five minute nap
thirty minute nap
please
twenty-five tracks will be a pleased surprised for the promised two or three
stage action for mewithoutyou
eighty dollar one bed hotel for five people
music explosion
pasta party
goodbyes and new friends
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(1 Stab | True Friends Stab You In The Front)
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jane___doe's journal